Unedited Thoughts

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now, I’m learning that this is the hardest part of change. It’s the days and weeks after the initial change has been made. The days after the initial excitement is worn off, the days before new friends are made. The in-between days that feel like they shouldn’t be in-between. These feelings never lasts for long but I have felt throughout this day a longing to be known. I don’t want to continue standing in the in-between. 

I wish I could fast-forward or rewind because this type of loneliness is daunting. It’s a loneliness that I don’t want. At home I am often alone but it is different. Here I find that the loneliness is largely unwanted and often stems out of jealousy. I see what other people are doing and I want to be them. I don’t want to have just one other life. I want the good and social parts of everybody else’s lives. And it doesn’t work that way. I wouldn’t have the energy for that many relationships, nor the empathy/heart and having time to think these thoughts is so important in the early stages of relationships. 

Maybe I shouldn’t over-evaluate every interaction I have with everyone but I have seen the most growth in my own personality and relationships occur throughout the early stages of relationships in a way that often doesn’t continue after months together. This is the stage where people are easy to appreciate, the stage where I barely think to get mad because I don’t know anyone well enough to be angry at them. There are aspects of this stage that, if they could be drawn out in the future of the same relationships would bring so much room for growth. I yearn for these relationships. Yes, there is something deeply beautiful about seeing where people are broken, but you can’t see the brokenness without having to deal with it. That dealing with it part is hard.

It’s been a long time since I have witnessed someone turn their life around. I long to see that because change in one person gives me hope for change in others… hope for the people I met in the DTES during my first two years, hope for my friends and family members and hope for myself. But even when I don’t see it I know that we are each capable of growing and changing and becoming better at living. We are not like the water stuck at the edge of the waterfall, stagnant and growing more algae-filled by the day. We can be like the water pouring over the edge. It’s split apart and beaten against the rocks but in the end it actually gets someplace. The journey is hard but the destination is worth the fight. With every day on the road we become stronger. We become more able to handle the loneliness and more able to love. We don’t have to become calloused and close-minded. There is always more than one way to react to any given situation. 

When I find myself alone and longing to be with people I can curl up in a ball and cry or I can grab my bible/homework and make the most of it. I am here for a reason and I want to be able to sink into the silence while it lasts and not think of the future. I want to be present here even if that means spending hours on end alone… or even if it means never being home. Even if it means long and awkward hours spent at school between classes. 

I want to live my own life, I don’t want to yearn for another life.