There are so
many thoughts running through my head right now, I’m learning that this is the
hardest part of change. It’s the days and weeks after the initial change has been made. The days after the initial excitement is worn off, the
days before new friends are made. The in-between days that feel like they
shouldn’t be in-between. These feelings never lasts for long but I have felt throughout this day a
longing to be known. I don’t want to continue standing in the in-between.
I wish
I could fast-forward or rewind because this type of loneliness is daunting.
It’s a loneliness that I don’t want. At home I am often alone but it is different. Here I find that the loneliness is largely unwanted and often stems out of jealousy. I see what other people are doing and I want to be them. I don’t want to have just one other life. I want the good and social parts
of everybody else’s lives. And it doesn’t work that way. I wouldn’t have the
energy for that many relationships, nor the empathy/heart and having time to
think these thoughts is so important in the early stages of relationships.
Maybe I shouldn’t over-evaluate every interaction I have with everyone but I
have seen the most growth in my own personality and relationships occur
throughout the early stages of relationships in a way that often doesn’t
continue after months together. This is the stage where people are easy to
appreciate, the stage where I barely think to get mad because I don’t know
anyone well enough to be angry at them. There are aspects of this stage that,
if they could be drawn out in the future of the same relationships would bring
so much room for growth. I yearn for these relationships. Yes, there is something deeply beautiful
about seeing where people are broken, but you can’t see the brokenness without
having to deal with it. That dealing with it part is hard.
It’s been a long time since I have witnessed someone turn
their life around. I long to see that because change in one person gives me
hope for change in others… hope for the people I met in the DTES during my
first two years, hope for my friends and family members and hope for myself.
But even when I don’t see it I know that we are each capable of growing and
changing and becoming better at living. We are not like the water stuck at the
edge of the waterfall, stagnant and growing more algae-filled by the day. We
can be like the water pouring over the edge. It’s split apart and beaten
against the rocks but in the end it actually gets someplace. The journey is
hard but the destination is worth the fight. With every day on the road we
become stronger. We become more able to handle the loneliness and more able to
love. We don’t have to become calloused and close-minded. There is always more
than one way to react to any given situation.
When I find myself alone and
longing to be with people I can curl up in a ball and cry or I can grab my
bible/homework and make the most of it. I am here for a reason and I want to be
able to sink into the silence while it lasts and not think of the future. I
want to be present here even if that means spending hours on end alone… or even
if it means never being home. Even if it means long and awkward hours spent at
school between classes.
I want to live my own life, I don’t want to yearn for
another life.
