Perfection in the Present

I was going to take this time to write about how hard change is... but then I realized that it doesn't feel hard right now. I can look back on times when change was hard and this time (so far) simply isn't one of those times. 

Today I'm thankful for:

simple transitions

chasing sunsets

chill roomies

antique cars

swimming holes

city parks

chai tea lattes 

google hangouts

sunshine

blackberries

school spirit

cheese bread

free couches

inspiration

silence

Philippians 4:4-9

4Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! 5Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

6Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

8And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Everybody is Cool on the Second Day of School!

So many feels.

There is something extremely satisfying in being reunited with friends from the past. People you have known deeply yet who have slipped out of the radius of your social reach. I think this happens in most peoples lives. You re-locate, they re-locate, they reach a stage you have yet to reach, or the group around you simply becomes too large and they end up in one group and you end up in another.

Then suddenly, you catch up with each-other and you find yourselves in the same place, stage, or group of friends.

You might have forgotten that they're allergic to carrots, or some other such life-changing detail but for the most part everything remains the same. Yes, both of you will have evolved in some way, hopefully you've both grown, but most likely the things that brought you together in the first place remain the same (or, on the other hand, you both remember so little about each other that you get to start from scratch... that's also great!).

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, it's really great to be back at school.
Mainly because people are cool.. but also because learning is good... but it really is mainly about the people.

Happy second day of classes!!

Summer Reading 2014

I've always wanted to successfully keep a running list of the books I've read and what I thought about them. This blog is my attempt to start that tradition. These are the books I've read since January... minus a few (ie. the entire Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series) that didn't seem worthy of making it onto a list.

The Go-Between God - John Taylor
Okay. This first one is kinda cheating. I read it before January and it took me approximately 4 months to read. It wasn't an easy read but it was completely worth the time it took. It was also probably the only non-class related book I read during my semester in Uganda. I could definitely re-read this book at least four more times and would definitely recommend it to anyone who wants to think more about the role of the Holy Spirit in their life. I can't say I agreed with everything that was said but I always knew when I picked it up that whether I read one page or a whole chapter I would come away from it with something new to think about. If you're interested in theology you should give it a glance!

The Story We Find Ourselves In - Brian McLaren
This one is written as a conversation/story and in terms of writing style is on the opposite end of the spectrum from Go-Between-God. The story takes place in the Galapagos and provides the backdrop for a discussion on creation and evolution in a way that is easily accessible to non-scientists/theologans. One last thing, if you're picky about the use of parentheses this book will drive you insane.

Worship on Earth as it is in Heaven - Rory Noland
This book brings forth some practical ways to enter more deeply into worship on a daily basis... but I can't actually remember anything that I learned. Maybe I should read it again?

Thinking, Loving, Doing - John Piper
This book is essentially a compilation of essays by various Christian thinkers and because of that it doesn't flow very well... but it was good... once again, that's honestly all I remember.

Down and Out in Paris and London - George Orwell
I came across this book in an English book store in Austria. Not gonna lie, I picked it up mainly because it was cheap, it fit in my backpack, and it was the first book I had found in English in a good long while. It was fantastic. George Orwell's first full-length novel and it is incredibly well-written. The plot doesn't flow all that well but Orwell's descriptions give life to the many vagrants who occupied London in the 1920s. I read it during a two month period of wandering and I connected with this novel more at that time than I probably would have if I read it again after six months of being settled.

Divergent - Veronica Roth
I wouldn't recommend it. It was okay.

Finally Alive - John Piper
I picked this one up in Amsterdam. It was free and it was english. Enough said? Honestly, I think it was good but I don't actually remember anything I learned from it.

Americanah - Chimanda Ngozi Adichie
If you've ever wanted to learn more about racism or the feelings that emerge when two culture collide I would strongly recommend this book. My mom and I both read it a few months ago and it still comes up in conversation every once in awhile. Adichie conveys some interesting ideas about culture without shoving them in your face. This book covers 40+ years, something not many authors can do successfully but in this context it brings depth to a valuable conversation on the role of culture.

The Fault in Our Stars - John Green
Better than the movie.

The Light Between Oceans - M.L Stedman
Based on the cover I thought this books would be really boring... but it was good! I think the most appealing thing about this book was that all the characters were flawed. This book was set in rural Australia, someplace I have definitely never experienced, yet the characters were easy to sympathize with.

Bittersweet - Shauna Niequist
I cried. In this book Shauna Niequist basically just talks about life. Reading Bittersweet felt a bit like going out for coffee with a good friend. Those dates don't usually end up in anything brilliant but that doesn't make them any less important. Our lives our made up of the day-to-day stuff and sometimes you just have to embrace that shit. From Bittersweet I bring you this quote: "Get up. Create like you're training for a marathon, methodically, day by day. Learn your tricks, find a friend, leave the dirty dishes in the sink for a while. This is your chance to become what you believe deep in your secret heart you might be. You are an artist, a guide, a prophet. You are a storyteller, a visionary, the Pied Piper himself. Do the work, learn the skills, and make art, because of what the act of creation will create in you."

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran
This is now a movie that I can't wait to see! It's a 9/11 story but is completely unique and very well written. I'm glad not every book is written with Safran's style but it was a nice change... and great if you like being completely lost until you're past the halfway point.

Bossypants - Tina Fey
Hilarious... but I recommend the book on tape if you really want to laugh.

Painter of Silence - Georgina Harding
Most beautiful title ever. Just saying. All I can remember is that I didn't like how it ended. I probably didn't like how it ended because the romantic in me likes it when people live happily ever after. Was that a spoiler? My bad.

The Happiness Project - Gretchen Rubin
This was definitely not a book I would normally pick up. I happened upon it one day on a trip to the library and I'm really glad I read it. Rubin does a great job of incorporating statistical information and quotes from great philosophers and thinkers with her own ideas and experiences. I can't say I'm usually big on self-help type books but I thought this book was pretty good... but then I kinda just like reading other people's thoughts. I wouldn't be brave enough to recommend this book to someone else... but I also wont deny that I did enjoy it.

The Cellist of Sarajevo - Steven Galloway
“Though the setting is the siege of Sarajevo in the 1990s, this gripping novel transcends time and place.  It is a universal story, and a testimony to the struggle to find meaning, grace, and humanity, even amid the most unimaginable horrors.” –Khaled Hosseini, author of The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns

I'm Dreaming

Every once in a while I am drawn out of my pondering of the past and given the opportunity to dream about the future.  Thinking about the future isn’t something I easily do. I’ve lived my life in so many places and with so many people over the last couple years that I find it difficult to let myself dream. I’m weighed back by the understanding that I am completely incapable of making any accurate predictions. I can honestly say that I have no idea where I will be a year from today. I don’t know what country I’ll live in. I don’t know who my friends will be. I don’t know if I’ll be single. I don’t know if I’ll live alone. I don’t even know if I’ll have a job.

That makes dreaming feel dangerous. It feels like placing some sort of bet that I might loose. What if I dream of being in one place and end up in a completely different place? What if the people I want to be a part of my life a year from today no longer live in the same hemisphere? What if I don’t end up with a job that I find even vaguely fulfilling or any job at all?

I can think of plenty of reasons not to dream, but then, suddenly I am given the opportunity to dream. Last night I sat around a small table listening to weird music and drinking boba tea with some of my friends and, in a way, we started to dream. We began to think of names for a joint blog. I have no idea what will become of that blog. Maybe we’ll actually start it, maybe we wont. Maybe ten years down the road we’ll be a team of super-bloggers, but more than likely it will become another website we visit when we want to reminisce about the good old days. We don’t actually know how it will end but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t dream.

In allowing myself to dream I can realize the potential God has given me. I was made to grow and I was made to live out dreams. That is the most motivating and invigorating thing I have realized lately. When I dream I give myself a reason to live differently, a reason to follow a different path. Dreaming is essentially the key to not just living in the moment. My dreams are the reason I keep going to school, keep running, keep reading.

I know that I tend towards ‘live-in-the-moment’ thinking. If you gave me a full tank of gas I would be more likely to use it on an adventure that would last a single day than I would be to use it to get to work and to run the errands I know I need to run. Dreams are my main incentive for countering my live-in-the-moment tendencies. They are my motivation for reading tough books, for seeking friendships that last longer than a few months, and for returning to a school that has put me further in debt than I want to admit.

It’s time to put aside instant gratification for a little while and embrace the deeply invigorating, fulfilling, and motivating act of dreaming.

Time Travel

It is such a blessing to be able to look back on the past couple years of my life and experience joy in just thinking about the people I’ve met and the things I’ve experienced. I’ve heard you’re supposed to live in the present… but sometimes the present just isn’t very exciting. This evening I found myself looking back over my tweets from the past year and reliving many a wonderful day. I know that judge myself for feeling the urge to tweet whenever I’m having a good day but the truth is those 140 characters seem to be worth 1,000 words. I’ve done the whole 1,000 words thing… but it’s pretty unlikely that I’m going to casually read through all a 1000 word journal entry without being bogged down.

I think I started writing this because I wanted to try to capture the joy of reminiscing. On December 10, 2013 as I was saying goodbye to the many wonderful friends I met in Uganda I remember telling one of my friends that I was afraid I would forget everything I had experienced and everything I had learned. Her simple response was this, “you’ll remember what you need to remember.” She was right. I don’t think about my semester in Uganda every day. I don’t think about my summers Johnston Canyon everyday. I don’t think about any one experience I’ve had every day, but every once in awhile I get to suddenly indulge in a memory.

A smell, a message, a picture, a texture, or 140 characters can suddenly pull me back to a specific moment in time, and then, for a short little while I have the incredible joy of reliving that moment. The rush of emotions plays a trick on me and I am quietly transported to what seems like another lifetime.

And then, just as quietly, I am transported back to the present- but I don’t travel back empty handed for a carry with me the reminder that I have been shaped by my past joys and sorrows and they are a part of everyday. I will remember what I need to remember, but even what I do not remember is a part of who I am. 

Intentionality.

The last time I posted anything on here was a month ago. That means I have been home for two months now. Why do I constantly try to attach the happenings of my life to certain periods of calendar time? Maybe I should strive to worry less about days and months and worry more about the changes/improvements that occur within those periods of time.

I am so thankful for the time I have had here to live in a rhythm. Working, sleeping, eating are slowly beginning to meld together into a simple and beautiful pattern. It's nice to wake up without an alarm. It's nice to head out on a run and simply go where my feet lead because I know that wherever I end up will never be so far from home that I can't find my way back. It's nice to be able to count on eight hours of sleep almost every night. It's nice to go to church every Sunday and see people I know and love seeing.   It's nice to be able to just go with the flow. 

When I'm traveling, or in any new place, that isn't an option. I'm starting to miss the rapids- the times when going with the flow is not an option because there simply is not an apparent flow. Don't get me wrong, I love the ease of going with the flow, but I also know that with familiar territory comes stagnancy. Yes. That's actually a word and yes it fits my situation exactly. I have the feeling that my growth has been stunted. Like an awkward 15 year old boy who grew a foot in a month except then suddenly found himself in a state of malnourishment. I can look back on what I learned while I was in Uganda and Europe and practically wrap it up in a package but find it very hard to point out things I have learned in the past two months.

Growth at home requires an exhausting amount of intentionality. Traveling is exhausting but it forces growth because there isn't another option. It's pretty much either growth and exhaustion or failure. At home growth it is easy to avoid. I don't enjoy the feeling of exhaustion that seems to so often be paired with growth and at home I have the option to avoid that exhaustion.

Basically... having to be intentional is lame.

I don't like it.

But it's good for me.

Therefore I now embark on a wonderful journey of intentionality.

Intentionally learning more about God.
Intentionally becoming a better friend.
Intentionally learning more about how the world works (aka the stuff I hope one day might be related to my career).

Intentional: deliberate, calculated, conscious, intended, planned, willful, studied, purposeful, premeditated, preplanned, preconceived.

Sounds fun. NOT.

Oh the difficulty of wanting to grow. 

Returning Home

One month ago I had the honor of returning home.

I came back to this place after four months of being in Uganda and two months traveling in Europe (plus two summers of working in Canada and two years of college). I have never been so happy to sleep in the same bed, in the same room, in the same house, in the same city, in the same state, in the same country for so many days in a row. The sameness of it all is nice, but partly because it isn't all the same.

Like they should, some things have changed. My community here has changed. Most of my friends are away at college and the few that are not have also changed. My family has changed. My church has changed. These communities have changed in so many subtle ways it is sometimes hard to see the growth that has occurred. It becomes even more complicated to see and view these changes positively when the lens with which I view each of these communities has also changed.

How can I begin to compare what exists now to what used to exist? I don't want to fall back into the roles I played within each of these areas of my life but I don't know how to fight this temptation. It seems that each of these communities has in some way embraced my return by opening up the mould in which I used to fit.

The things is, I don't necessarily fit into the moulds I used to slide into so easily. Trying to fit seems easy at first but I'm very quickly finding out that it doesn't quite work. I've changed, but the mould has also changed. Maybe I could slowly return the mould to the shape it used to be... or I could make the more difficult choice, allowing myself to not fit into the mould until I know it's the right mould for me.

Can I make the decision to simply float here until I have figured out where my place should be in these beautiful communities?

If there is anything I have learned in the past couple years it is that my role in the communities I find myself is important. I can help a community to grow or I can tear it down. I can allow it to change me for the better or, if I'm not careful, I can find myself being torn down. Maybe for now it is best to remain on the outside looking in, objectively trying to see both flaws and strengths. One day soon I will be able to fit into the mould I belong in without unknowingly throwing off the delicate balance within these communities. It's okay to not belong for a little while longer for the sake of one day finding a place I can really belong.

The Job Hunter

Job-hunting is like being told, go ahead, boast about yourself, dig deep inside and write a list of everything anyone might possibly want to know about you. Yeah, and then give that list to everyone.

Don’t worry, the results wont be too bad.

So you wrack your brain to come up with something good about yourself.

At the top of the paper you write about how much you LOVE teamwork. This is the part where you brag about great you are at being a team player. Doesn’t everyone know that 90% of the time the people who love teamwork are actually the people who are abhorred by their partners?

Next you mentions something about how your incredible life experiences have changed you… but, most likely, your birthdate is somewhere on your resume and we all know no boss is going to believe that before the age of twenty you have experiences as much as you claim to experience.

Then there’s the section about your interests… but your applying for a job as a cashier at a grocery store. It’s pretty unlikely that your interest in travel and photography are really going to be useful. You go ahead and write all about your interests anyways… somehow this ends up taking most of the space, successfully proving that you have no legitimate work experiences… but you have spent a lot of time reading about travel and photography on the internet.

You resume is ready. You’re pretty proud of it. You feel like it represents who you are and you’ve masked the boasting fairly well.

So you stride out into the world with your brand new resume ready to hand it to everyone… from here two things happen.

1. They send you back to the Internet. On the Internet you are expected to upload your    resume. You upload your resume only to have to have the website magically fill in maybe 4 lines of the application and delete the rest.

2. The accept your resume and you never hear from them again… not even the email that the website is at least nice enough to send.

Then suddenly, you get a job. Except the person who hires you barely even glances at your resume before welcoming you to their team.

All this to say, it’s nice to have a job… even if all the agonizing over my resume had nothing to do with being offered said job.