Returning Home

One month ago I had the honor of returning home.

I came back to this place after four months of being in Uganda and two months traveling in Europe (plus two summers of working in Canada and two years of college). I have never been so happy to sleep in the same bed, in the same room, in the same house, in the same city, in the same state, in the same country for so many days in a row. The sameness of it all is nice, but partly because it isn't all the same.

Like they should, some things have changed. My community here has changed. Most of my friends are away at college and the few that are not have also changed. My family has changed. My church has changed. These communities have changed in so many subtle ways it is sometimes hard to see the growth that has occurred. It becomes even more complicated to see and view these changes positively when the lens with which I view each of these communities has also changed.

How can I begin to compare what exists now to what used to exist? I don't want to fall back into the roles I played within each of these areas of my life but I don't know how to fight this temptation. It seems that each of these communities has in some way embraced my return by opening up the mould in which I used to fit.

The things is, I don't necessarily fit into the moulds I used to slide into so easily. Trying to fit seems easy at first but I'm very quickly finding out that it doesn't quite work. I've changed, but the mould has also changed. Maybe I could slowly return the mould to the shape it used to be... or I could make the more difficult choice, allowing myself to not fit into the mould until I know it's the right mould for me.

Can I make the decision to simply float here until I have figured out where my place should be in these beautiful communities?

If there is anything I have learned in the past couple years it is that my role in the communities I find myself is important. I can help a community to grow or I can tear it down. I can allow it to change me for the better or, if I'm not careful, I can find myself being torn down. Maybe for now it is best to remain on the outside looking in, objectively trying to see both flaws and strengths. One day soon I will be able to fit into the mould I belong in without unknowingly throwing off the delicate balance within these communities. It's okay to not belong for a little while longer for the sake of one day finding a place I can really belong.

The Job Hunter

Job-hunting is like being told, go ahead, boast about yourself, dig deep inside and write a list of everything anyone might possibly want to know about you. Yeah, and then give that list to everyone.

Don’t worry, the results wont be too bad.

So you wrack your brain to come up with something good about yourself.

At the top of the paper you write about how much you LOVE teamwork. This is the part where you brag about great you are at being a team player. Doesn’t everyone know that 90% of the time the people who love teamwork are actually the people who are abhorred by their partners?

Next you mentions something about how your incredible life experiences have changed you… but, most likely, your birthdate is somewhere on your resume and we all know no boss is going to believe that before the age of twenty you have experiences as much as you claim to experience.

Then there’s the section about your interests… but your applying for a job as a cashier at a grocery store. It’s pretty unlikely that your interest in travel and photography are really going to be useful. You go ahead and write all about your interests anyways… somehow this ends up taking most of the space, successfully proving that you have no legitimate work experiences… but you have spent a lot of time reading about travel and photography on the internet.

You resume is ready. You’re pretty proud of it. You feel like it represents who you are and you’ve masked the boasting fairly well.

So you stride out into the world with your brand new resume ready to hand it to everyone… from here two things happen.

1. They send you back to the Internet. On the Internet you are expected to upload your    resume. You upload your resume only to have to have the website magically fill in maybe 4 lines of the application and delete the rest.

2. The accept your resume and you never hear from them again… not even the email that the website is at least nice enough to send.

Then suddenly, you get a job. Except the person who hires you barely even glances at your resume before welcoming you to their team.

All this to say, it’s nice to have a job… even if all the agonizing over my resume had nothing to do with being offered said job. 

How did Jesus travel?

John 4:3-6a "When the Lord learned of this, he left Judea and went back once more to Galilee. Now he had to go through Samaria. So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob's well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well."

He sat down.
Next thing you know the people from the local town are urging him to stay because they believe.

It was just a rest stop. The disciple would go grab some food from the local McDonald's and Jesus would take a break and rest his feet.

I've experienced this. A long day of travel and we're tired so we stop someplace to grab some food and catch our breath. In our case we heap our backpacks in a pile and then one person stays to watch well everyone else grabs food. It's similar. Kinda.

Two differences:
1. Jesus starts up a conversation with the person he shouldn't even give a second glance.
In contrast, we're so tired we scrupulously avoid eye contact with every single person who might feel the urge to start a conversation.

2. Jesus ends up proving his point to, like, a whole village, giving them living water, and being offered        a place to stay for as long as he wants.
We end up with, well, a couple cheeseburgers and maybe some free wifi.

It isn't like Jesus was just wandering around aimlessly, he had a clear destination: Galilee.
For Christ, the stops along the journey were as important as reaching the end of his journey.
A necessary stop for food was an opportunity to live out his calling.

I don't think it should be any different for us. Whether we're at a physical or hypothetical rest stop we can't make the end of the journey more important than the stops along the way.

Okay, so it's way harder said than done*, but I think the first step to changing my actions just might be becoming aware that my actions are not righteous.

(Here is how the rest of it goes! http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+4%3A1-42&version=NIV)

*pretty sure that isn't how it goes... or what I meant to say. If it was actually harder said than done that would be quite beneficial... I take this as more proof that I should return to an English speaking country asap... or in 17 days? or maybe I should just edit?... nah.

Just Another Valentines Day: LOVE!

Happy Valentines Day!

I know, I would appear to be into super cliche blog subjects. In fact, I was sitting here trying to write a sarcastic tweet about the bountiful-ness of Valentine blogs when I thought to myself, hmmm, I could add my own thoughts to this word dump. They might not be brilliant, but then, not many of the things I've read today have been. Here goes:

I read a lot of blogs today. They all had some advice to give. Most of this advice can be summed up in this: If you have a significant other, good for you, if you don't, use this day to pamper yourself.

You don't have to tell me to love myself.
You don't have to tell me to buy myself chocolate.

I already do those things.
I already put myself first.

Thanks for the suggestions but I don't think buying myself chocolate is going to solve any problems.

You see, whether my self-esteem is low or high, I don't have to put an effort into putting myself first.

Problems (sins) don't bloom because we're so busy loving others, but they definitely grow because we're so busy loving ourselves.

'Me-Thinking' and the 'Do what makes you happy' philosophy are exactly what will occur if I choose to love myself in the way you're suggesting. It might be okay for one February 14th, but if I'm honest, there is no way that it will just stop after one day. These things are satisfying and enjoyable... at least for a little while, but they wont last.

Sex-trafficking.
Abortion.
Divorce.

So many forms of brokenness occur as the result of us loving only ourselves and forgetting that we need to love others.

I was talking with a friend last week and made the comment that when I look back on the past couple years I can see that many of my decisions were made because I thought they would make me happy. This was not a positive realization for me so her reaction took me by surprise. She congratulated me. Yeah, way to go me, give a big ol cheer for selfishness.

No. Guys, we seriously need to stop acting like selfishness is a good thing.

It's not okay.

Singleness is not an excuse.

Happy Valentines Day!

The Disposable Camera Challenge

 The Challenge:

1. Avoid using my digital camera.

2. Stop posting photos on fb/twitter.

3. Use only disposable/film cameras for 365 days.

4. Do not develop any film until the end of the year.

The Reasons:

1. I really have no reason to share photos of my life… other than to make my life look great, which is clearly a terrible reason for me to be sharing photos.

2. I love photography but it looses it appeal when other people’s opinions matter.

3. How fun would it be to end the year with a years worth of photos that you’ve never seen?!

4. My camera just happened to break a few months ago and I don’t really want to get a new camera until I can get an upgrade :)

5. I’ve got a memory (and the internet) so I want to avoid Eiffel-tower-syndrome and stick to taking photos of experiences that mean something to me. (I don’t actually know if Eiffel-tower-syndrome is a thing, but chya know the whole tourist walking down the street with a camera in front of their face the entire time thing.)

The Motivation:

A really stimulating conversation with a friend... I can't actually remember exactly what we said, I just know it was a great conversation :)

20 Things I'm Thankful for Right Now

1. freshness of visiting new places every week

2. hospitality of the Austrian family that has taken us in and everyone else that has hosted us

3. meeting up with old friends in new places 

4. sunsets

5. metro rides (aka people-watching paradise)

6. baguettes (45 cents!)

7. culture and it subtleties 

8. finally being in a place where the languages are somehow tied to english 

9. being mistaken for locals… because the two completely lost Canadian girls are going to be able to 

give you directions in German

10. the awkwardness of telling someone who has been talking to you for a couple minutes that you didn’t understand anything they've said

11. palaces/castles/ruins 

12. high places with views… every city seems to have at least one

13. wandering around with no agenda (other than to maybe find cheap food)

14. having unlimited time to get completely lost

15. coffee (seriously North America, you're doing something wrong when it comes to hot drinks)

16. the incredibly good and cheap Asian food that is pretty much anywhere... also Kebab stands.

17. the instant bond with every other Canadian (it’s actually really strange)

18. CHEESE… so good... missing good old cheddar, but the rest is just plain delicious

19. snow, if there wasn't any this Europe in winter thing would be extra lame

20. going to church in different places and having the opportunity to meet brothers and sister

p.s. If you experienced any jealousy as you read this you should probably know that I wrote this list because I would give just about anything to be home right now... traveling isn't everything it's made out to be. It's exhausting, boring, and sometimes miserable. Being thankful sometimes takes some thought. Good and bad, I am where I am so I'm gonna give appreciating it my all.

In other news, I'm doing a year long disposable camera challenge. There's a blog coming that will describe exactly what that means and why there will be very few photos in any blogs written in 2014.

Not meant to be a Tree

I am jealous of the trees.

They live every day simply to sit and watch

No need to seek the truth

No need to find something better.

But perhaps the trees are also jealous of me

For I am free,

Free to wander

But also free to stay.

They are rooted,

But for me, to be rooted is a choice.

At this moment I would gladly be a tree.

But tomorrow I will laugh because I'm not.

Tomorrow I'll rejoice because I'm me.

Not meant to be a tree.

Merry Christmas!

This is what Christmas looked like. It was a beautiful day!

Ramblings (UB#13)

I have 12 days left in Uganda. I cannot believe how many things I have experienced and how many emotions I have felt since being here. The time has flown by. As of today I have been here just short of four months. Almost the same amount of time I spent at my last summer job, almost the same amount of time as my last semester at trinity. This semester abroad, though it has been significant, as not been more significant than the four months I spent working in Banff or the eight months I spent living with a wonderful group of girls at Trinity… and I think that is absolutely a blessing.

There is no need to live a life of adventure, though adventure can be wonderful, it brings very little that can not be found at home. I’m thankful for the chance I had this semester to go on a safari, swim in Lake Victoria, and live with Ugandans, but I am more thankful for each and every relationship that I got to participate in this semester. Much of what I treasure most from this semester is probably the time spent just being with people. Nights spent ‘doing homework’ in the lounge, communal dinners in the dining hall, the many car rides with all the people from my practicum (especially baby JohannaJ). Being in Africa didn’t make this semester special… if anything, being in Africa made this semester really hard… but the people I met through this semester made it completely worth it.

Location really doesn’t matter. Relationships really do matter. I hope realizing this will help me to be more content at home… that being said, I am about to embark on a two month adventure through Europe, pretty sure location is going to play a huge role… but hopefully at the end of the next two months I will once again be able to sit back and appreciate the people I’ve met… more than the things I’ve done.

(Already had to say goodbye to BabyJo... gonna miss this

beautiful girl... glad her Momma promised to send me photos :)

Flaughs

What if I stopped caring about appearance?

It is an option after all.

What would change if I stopped caring?

I know what would change.

Everything would change.

I would be able to love.

What is it you wish you could hide?

What if I declared right here and now that I don’t care?

Yeah. You’re physically flawed. We’re all flawed.

But those flaws aren’t going to change the way I see you.

Let me see you for the way you think.

The way you acknowledge people with your eyes.

The way you carry yourself with grace.

The way you stay on the sidelines to make sure everyone has a chance.

The way you don’t care what people think.

They way you listen.

The way you share your blessings.

The way you have made friends into family.

If I stop seeing the flaws you know I can see…

Will you let me see the flaws I can’t already see?