I came back to this place after four months of being in Uganda and two months traveling in Europe (plus two summers of working in Canada and two years of college). I have never been so happy to sleep in the same bed, in the same room, in the same house, in the same city, in the same state, in the same country for so many days in a row. The sameness of it all is nice, but partly because it isn't all the same.
Like they should, some things have changed. My community here has changed. Most of my friends are away at college and the few that are not have also changed. My family has changed. My church has changed. These communities have changed in so many subtle ways it is sometimes hard to see the growth that has occurred. It becomes even more complicated to see and view these changes positively when the lens with which I view each of these communities has also changed.
How can I begin to compare what exists now to what used to exist? I don't want to fall back into the roles I played within each of these areas of my life but I don't know how to fight this temptation. It seems that each of these communities has in some way embraced my return by opening up the mould in which I used to fit.
The things is, I don't necessarily fit into the moulds I used to slide into so easily. Trying to fit seems easy at first but I'm very quickly finding out that it doesn't quite work. I've changed, but the mould has also changed. Maybe I could slowly return the mould to the shape it used to be... or I could make the more difficult choice, allowing myself to not fit into the mould until I know it's the right mould for me.
Can I make the decision to simply float here until I have figured out where my place should be in these beautiful communities?
If there is anything I have learned in the past couple years it is that my role in the communities I find myself is important. I can help a community to grow or I can tear it down. I can allow it to change me for the better or, if I'm not careful, I can find myself being torn down. Maybe for now it is best to remain on the outside looking in, objectively trying to see both flaws and strengths. One day soon I will be able to fit into the mould I belong in without unknowingly throwing off the delicate balance within these communities. It's okay to not belong for a little while longer for the sake of one day finding a place I can really belong.
